Nowhere to go

A few times, since I was diagnosed with depression, I have made spur of the moment decisions, and I have always felt this would be the thing – I’d get better. Well, I’m not. Most recently, of course, was the decision to move back to my parents house – I don’t worry so much about money, and I can afford to go swimming, both of which have probably helped, but I don’t think I’m noticeably better.

Just over a year ago I had a plan. I had just graduated from uni and I was going to take little step back with my life, get myself a job that I would enjoy, but that wouldn’t be something that would overwhelm me, and wouldn’t be anything too stressful. And, in my plan, after about a year, maybe, I would be coping. I would be able to do all the normal things. Get up in the morning, get to work on time, do my job well, leave, go out in the evenings, or relax, or do some domestic things. And after about a year, I would go into a more challenging job, the beginning of my career.

It hasn’t worked. I haven’t actually been to work for a couple of weeks, and I have another GP appointment tomorrow to hopefully get another sick note for god knows how long. I’m just not sure what to do about this; I don’t know where to go next. I really really don’t think I can handle going back there for any significant length of time. I expect when I do go back to work, I’ll hand in my notice on my first day back, and then work out the month. That is sort of my vague plan, and I’m saying that because I feel guilty about just leaving them. Of course, I’m saying that I feel guilty – I don’t really, I just wish I did, I guess. I feel like I should.

But then what? See what the GP says tomorrow, I guess.

Bizarrely, I wrote a poem

The last time I remember writing a poem was during Activities Week in Year 7. I was 12. I may well have written one since then, but definitely not after my 17th birthday.

For some reason, sitting in my office doodling on a post-it note, I wrote a poem. Only a little one. But I thought I’d post it here. I guess at the moment this is an expression of how I feel.

One day soon I will jump.

And then I will be falling;

It will feel like I am falling forever,

And everything will be black.

My heart will be heavy;

It is this that is pulling me down.

Towards something, I guess.

What? I don’t know.

Sometimes things will be light

But I will have to close my eyes.

They will hurt if there is light.

Even the light from some distant stars

Or the moon will be too much.

It will hurt my eyes.

So I will continue falling,

Blind.

 

Edited to add: I feel like one of those cliched teenagers who thinks they’re in so much pain. The thing people should remember is that they probably are.

My relationship with alcohol

It is nine and a half weeks since I have had any alcohol (with the exception of a taste of a friend’s cocktail the first week or so after I stopped drinking). I eventually made the decision to stop drinking after talking to some mental health professionals.

Alcohol has done some pretty strange things to me over the years. I imagine it’s pretty much common knowledge that alcohol is a depressant, and it has frequently had that effect on me. The last weekend in June, which was the last time I drank, I drank on the Friday evening and on the Saturday evening. On the Friday I had been out, got really really drunk (to the extent that I actually pissed myself when I got off the night bus!) and then after I got home I began my most recent suicide attempt*. Eventually, to be honest, I got bored and went to sleep. I had some more to drink on the Saturday evening, and it was at this point that I told my flatmate what I had done.

On another occasion, some time before that, I had had a really bad day and I got home and started drinking a lot. Later that evening I had a massive argument with my ex-girlfriend, and in the end I hit her. I don’t remember doing it, but it happened. As a feminist, I’m a bit nervous about admitting that, but it’s what happened – it’s something I did, and the only way I can take responsibility for what I did is by admitting to it. I did take responsibility for what I had done – I spoke to some people about the bad day I had had, and made sure I had some support in place in case of something happening again. Also, I cut back on my drinking for some time. I didn’t cut it out altogether, but for a while I made sure that I didn’t drink if I was feeling particularly bad, and that I didn’t ever drink heavily.

Of course, after a few months, the alcohol I was consuming began to increase, and once again, I wasn’t really in control of what I was drinking. This was actually part of the reason for my attempt: I figured if I was dead I couldn’t hurt anyone. As it is, since I’ve stopped drinking (and actually since that incident with my ex-girlfriend) I haven’t been violent towards anybody. Of course that’s not to say I’ve been totally blameless in every interaction I’ve had with another human being.

The thing that really concerns me, though, is that I kind of think drinking is really not something I can control, so ideally I should probably never drink again. I’m clearly not an alcoholic (I had a look at problem drinking on this site), but I would say I am (or was) a problem drinker. I really don’t think I could stop at 1. And that concerns me – a life without alcohol is not something I think I would enjoy.

*I say most recent suicide attempt not because I’m planning anything, but because, simply, there may be another one. Who can say? Whatever promises I make, if things get bad enough they won’t mean a thing.

Help

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and die, and nobody will even help me do that.

I’m in total self-destruct mode, things are not good. I think I’m just going to keep doing stupid things until one day my life will be totally ruined. But no one will help me.

It would be so much easier if I actually believed all my beliefs (weird sentence, I know). In particular, where I’m worth something even if men don’t want to fuck me. But the other day I actually told this guy I wasn’t sure I was gay because I really really really wanted to feel like someone wanted me.

I am worth something, regardless of how attractive people (read: men) find me. I am worth something. I am worth something.

Masculinity and suicide

I’ve been a bit behind on reading some of the longer posts on my blogroll, but had a look today. This feature is just awesome. We really need more mothers who are willing to let their sons do what they want, however “feminine” that might be. I seriously recommend you take a look.

Penni (the author of the feature) has implied a really important point, too: given that society teaches that “masculinity” (whatever that is) is more valuable, any boy or man who displays any feminine characteristics is going to be looked down upon. The patriarchy hurts everyone: men and women are expected to live up to certain gender roles, which is, quite simply, limiting. And it is true, I believe, most definitely, that men are expected not to express emotions, or whatever. Obviously there are certain times and places where this isn’t the case – but these are far more limited than those times and places for women, who are, let’s face it, walking balls of hormones.

However, it is sometimes said that men are worse off than women, which is shown by the often quoted fact that men are more likely to commit suicide than women. I think a lot of the time this is used to dismiss the claim of feminists that women have it bad! Penni didn’t suggest this one bit, but she did say the following:

I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that it is teenage boys who have the highest suicide rate. They’re conditioned to believe that they can’t ask for help because it is ‘unmanly’.

I’ve said above that I totally agree with the second sentence of this quote. However I’d like to offer an alternative explanation for the fact that more young men (and in fact men in general) commit suicide: quite simply, men are more likely to succeed. More young men commit suicide, but more young women attempt it. This is not only true for young people, but at all age groups. There are a number of explanations for this. Firstly, men tend to use more violent methods. A woman is more likely to take an overdose or similar, which is actually incredibly ineffective. This might well be due to the fact that men are conditioned to be more violent.

There are other considerations, of course. It’s possible that a woman might take an overdose as a “cry for help,” whereas you’re a lot less likely to shoot yourself, or hang yourself for that purpose. And of course, that does tie in with Penni’s comment that I quoted above: men can’t ask for help. Although, I would like to make this point. The first time I took an overdose, I wasn’t certain I would die, I wasn’t even certain that I wanted to – but I thought it was a possibility, and I thought that it would definitely cause problems. I really did not understand how ineffective overdoses were.

Penni’s post deals with a really important issue. As I said above, the patriarchy hurts everyone. I can’t emphasise that enough! But the issue of suicide is often oversimplified.

CBT

Well, I had my second session on the CBT thing today. It was quite good, I think. There were goals to be set and such things.

One of the things that I sort of worked out is that I get low mood-y when I get pissed off about the state of the world. I do think there’s more to it than that, obviously. But I’m beginning to agree with what my mum said – maybe getting angry about the state of things is bad for me. I don’t think it necessarily is, though, but I think it’s related. What’s happening is that I am at a point where I’m feeling like there’s no hope. So then I get depressed.

I was pretty worried that the result of the CBT would be that I wouldn’t be allowed to campaign on things, wouldn’t be allowed to read the paper, wouldn’t be able to just be aware of everything that is going on. However, one of the goals I set is that four times out of five (I think – something like that) to talk to someone about/write about what in particular is upsetting me about it. I think it would be good if I was able to do this. The other day I was reading something or other about rape, and I was at work, and I was totally unable to do any work after that. I just sat at my desk in tears. Writing it down would hopefully help me to put it behind me, or, even better, work out something that can be done to improve it, write all that down, and then put it behind me.

Another thing I want to do, more generally, is read about people who have made a difference. I want to be one of them, one day. I couldn’t be if I was told not to campaign on things because it depresses me. So I really hope this works better.

What the hell?

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but as I was surfing I saw this post. Basically, China isn’t allowing people with mental health problems in during the olympics! Mental Health Foundation have issued this press release about it. I don’t even see pretend logic in that ban.

On the other hand, the good news is that since the UN has basically said people shouldn’t discriminate against leprosy sufferers, they will be allowed in to China. Have a look here for more.

Someone please explain to me how this makes sense to anyone?

The affect being gay has on mental health

I think it is fairly common knowledge that that people in the LGB community are more likely to suffer from mental health problems. I’m not sure where I first heard this, but I’ve just had a quick look around and found this factsheet from mental health charity Mind, which cites studies and literature reviews that have confirmed that.

Since I came out to my parents only recently, one of my friends has commented that it’s unfortunate that the fairly significant decline in my mental health has come recently too. This will no doubt further confirm my parents’ belief that all will be ok if I just reject my deviant lifestyle and turn back to God. My parents have been talking to me about an “ex-gay” they have had contact with, and how God has completely set him free, whatever whatever…..

The thing is, it is so absolutely clear to me that he needed healing not from being gay, but from having experienced sexual abuse as a child. Additionally, I suspect he was open to Christian teachings against homosexuality because of the constant barage of anti-gay messages he has been exposed to throughout his life. Much as he claims that this isn’t the case, and he lived in a very accepting environment, from the things this man has said, he never seemed to entirely accept himself. If anyone reading this is in any doubt, there are gay people who are happy. Obviously, I’ve just linked to a factsheet showing that we are more likely to have mental health problems, but that’s still not all gay people. And, importantly, gay people have to go through a lot that straight people don’t have to go through, some of which I’ll go through below:

• From very early on children are taught that they will get married and have children
• Children often don’t see gay people at all in society. Until very recently, for example, straight teachers might have talked about their relationships (ie mentioning partners), gay teachers were far less likely to do that because of Section 28.
• Whenever children are taught about sex, whether that is by parents or at school, it is heterosexual sex they learn about.

These things can contribute hugely to internalised homophobia, so that it can be very difficult for someone to accept that they might be gay. Once someone has accepted that they are, or while they are in the process of doing that, there are a lot of stressful experiences related to being gay:

• Coming out: to parents, friends, colleagues. Every time you come out it is a big deal. Every time you start a new job, or make new friends, you wonder (or at least I do) if people will be ok with this. Even though I’m comfortable enough to go “fuck you” to anyone who was an idiot about it now, it is still stressful.
• Homophobic incidents. Family, colleagues, strangers on the street. I remember sitting on the tube with a ex-girlfriend and having some bloke taking pictures of us – this was stressful. Some gay people, in particular gay men, may be attacked for being gay. This is also stressful. Not only are these individual incidents stressful, but I personally feel I have to be on my guard all the time when I’m out with a girlfriend, or if I’m out looking obviously gay (for whatever reason) – this means I am living in a permanently heightened state of stress!
• It isn’t uncommon to hear jokes made at the expense of the gay community. This is stressful in itself, but then I have to make a decision whether or not to point out to somebody that what they said was homophobic or heterocentric. Whichever one I decide will be stressful – often if I decide to say something I will be accused of overreacting (by someone who has no idea of my experiences – straight privilege, anyone?). If I don’t then I have to worry more about if they’ll think it’s acceptable to talk like that (it isn’t; just because nobody has pulled you up on it doesn’t mean it’s ok, it could just be that they’re too intimidated).

Is it any wonder that LGB people are more likely to suffer from mental health problems??

I was reading the Guardian today, and was, to be honest, thrilled, and more than a bit amused, to see this piece. I’ve had counselling once before, and the fact that I was brought up in a very Christian home, and that I identified with that for a long time, together with my sexuality, was the main focus of the sessions. I’m starting counselling again soon, and while this time I think there will be a lot of other issues, I still think this will be a big part of it.

The piece itself is by a Catholic therapist, and as I’m not religious any more, I guess I don’t so much see the need for what he’s talking about. But I’ll leave you with the one bit that rang a chord with me:

From a psychotherapeutic point of view, one of the risk factors for mental health difficulties among gay and lesbian people is growing up, and remaining, in one of the toxic versions of the monotheistic religions.

Who would have thought??