Nowhere to go

A few times, since I was diagnosed with depression, I have made spur of the moment decisions, and I have always felt this would be the thing – I’d get better. Well, I’m not. Most recently, of course, was the decision to move back to my parents house – I don’t worry so much about money, and I can afford to go swimming, both of which have probably helped, but I don’t think I’m noticeably better.

Just over a year ago I had a plan. I had just graduated from uni and I was going to take little step back with my life, get myself a job that I would enjoy, but that wouldn’t be something that would overwhelm me, and wouldn’t be anything too stressful. And, in my plan, after about a year, maybe, I would be coping. I would be able to do all the normal things. Get up in the morning, get to work on time, do my job well, leave, go out in the evenings, or relax, or do some domestic things. And after about a year, I would go into a more challenging job, the beginning of my career.

It hasn’t worked. I haven’t actually been to work for a couple of weeks, and I have another GP appointment tomorrow to hopefully get another sick note for god knows how long. I’m just not sure what to do about this; I don’t know where to go next. I really really don’t think I can handle going back there for any significant length of time. I expect when I do go back to work, I’ll hand in my notice on my first day back, and then work out the month. That is sort of my vague plan, and I’m saying that because I feel guilty about just leaving them. Of course, I’m saying that I feel guilty – I don’t really, I just wish I did, I guess. I feel like I should.

But then what? See what the GP says tomorrow, I guess.

Yesterday

Well, it was a bit weird. I typed that post, then of course forgot to publish it, which is why it didn’t come up till about midnight, or whenever. I would have posted something else, but as I was on the internet, I had one of the music channels on, and my dad came in. Then that song “I kissed a girl” came on. Luckily it is quite a while before the chorus starts so I managed to shut down what I was doing and go to bed! I couldn’t handle him thinking things. I imagine he must think that when I hear that song I feel the way they used to when they heard that song by Mary, Mary. Well, I would, except that the song is crap. It’s just so shit! It’s just about two women making out to appeal to their boyfriends! I would not have liked to explain that to him.

In other things, I started my CBT programme. I’m a bit nervous about it. I’ve been asked to monitor my problems, which of which I put down as, “Feeling completely hopeless. As in, nothing will work for me, or for anyone else ever.” I’m paranoid that the result will be I have to stop reading the paper, or thinking about anything that happens in the world ever! But I’ll see how it goes.

Also, my GP changed my medication, which is good. Basically, I went in and said, “I feel like I’m waiting to die. I’m not going to live into old age, so I just think that every moment I’m not planning on how to kill myself, is time wasted.” Hopefully things will look up.

Sam

Appointments

After work I’m going to my first appointment with the nurse, to begin an online cognitive behavioural therapy thing. I’m hoping this will help some, as I have been very down recently. Also, I have booked an appointment with a counsellor, but not for some time yet – so all my hope is going on this CBT thing.

Also, even though today is ok (I actually made it in to work yesterday and today!) I have to go into my GP appointment this afternoon and emphasise how bad I have felt recently. It kind of feels like I’ll be lying. But I read what I wrote down a few days ago, and I was saying to my friend that I feel like I’m waiting to die, which I guess is quite bad.

But I always do this – I remember the day after my first overdose, when the psychiatric nurse asked me how I was feeling, and I said, “Yeah, fine. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble any more – obviously I’ll have bad days, but all I need to do is remember that this time I felt fine the next day, so I won’t do anything stupid.” Of course, a month later, I was back.