Domestic violence

After my previous post I just wanted to put a few links up. While I wouldn’t say the relationship I have with my ex-girlfriend is now, or ever has been, abusive, on that one occasion I was abusive towards her. I once did some training on domestic violence, and there is a lot to it.

So anyhow, I’m going to link to websites or organisations that deal with domestic violence. I’ll update this from time to time, as I get new information, as well. One thing I want to stress is that there is help, not only for victims of domestic violence, but for perpetrators (or potential perpetrators). I, along with a lot of feminists, get angry at the thought of domestic violence, and angry at the thought of men abusing their wives and partners. However, people make the choices they do for a reason – decisions aren’t made in a vacuum, and that isn’t only true of the oppressed class, but of the oppressors. Men are taught that women are worthless – they end up believing it, and that’s why they rape women, and abuse women. The thing is, I believe that men can make a conscious choice not to make these decisions, so I think it’s important there are organisations to help them do that.

I didn’t intend on saying that much, and it’s more of a general thing, than specific to what I’m doing now. Apart from anything else, it is an oversimplification. Anyway:

Broken Rainbow – a helpline for victims and perpetrators of domestic violence in gay relationships

Women’s Aid

Refuge

ManKind – an organisation which supports male victims of domestic violence (unfortunately I don’t know anything specific about ManKind, or any other organisation that works with male victims, but I thought it was important to put one in)

Respect – support for perpetrators (again, Respect isn’t a charity that I know – but I think it is particularly important that people are aware that there is support available for perpetrators who want to change).

As I said I’ll update this list with other organisations that I come across. I would rather only put in organisations that I know, but a much more full list can be found on the BBC website.

My relationship with alcohol

It is nine and a half weeks since I have had any alcohol (with the exception of a taste of a friend’s cocktail the first week or so after I stopped drinking). I eventually made the decision to stop drinking after talking to some mental health professionals.

Alcohol has done some pretty strange things to me over the years. I imagine it’s pretty much common knowledge that alcohol is a depressant, and it has frequently had that effect on me. The last weekend in June, which was the last time I drank, I drank on the Friday evening and on the Saturday evening. On the Friday I had been out, got really really drunk (to the extent that I actually pissed myself when I got off the night bus!) and then after I got home I began my most recent suicide attempt*. Eventually, to be honest, I got bored and went to sleep. I had some more to drink on the Saturday evening, and it was at this point that I told my flatmate what I had done.

On another occasion, some time before that, I had had a really bad day and I got home and started drinking a lot. Later that evening I had a massive argument with my ex-girlfriend, and in the end I hit her. I don’t remember doing it, but it happened. As a feminist, I’m a bit nervous about admitting that, but it’s what happened – it’s something I did, and the only way I can take responsibility for what I did is by admitting to it. I did take responsibility for what I had done – I spoke to some people about the bad day I had had, and made sure I had some support in place in case of something happening again. Also, I cut back on my drinking for some time. I didn’t cut it out altogether, but for a while I made sure that I didn’t drink if I was feeling particularly bad, and that I didn’t ever drink heavily.

Of course, after a few months, the alcohol I was consuming began to increase, and once again, I wasn’t really in control of what I was drinking. This was actually part of the reason for my attempt: I figured if I was dead I couldn’t hurt anyone. As it is, since I’ve stopped drinking (and actually since that incident with my ex-girlfriend) I haven’t been violent towards anybody. Of course that’s not to say I’ve been totally blameless in every interaction I’ve had with another human being.

The thing that really concerns me, though, is that I kind of think drinking is really not something I can control, so ideally I should probably never drink again. I’m clearly not an alcoholic (I had a look at problem drinking on this site), but I would say I am (or was) a problem drinker. I really don’t think I could stop at 1. And that concerns me – a life without alcohol is not something I think I would enjoy.

*I say most recent suicide attempt not because I’m planning anything, but because, simply, there may be another one. Who can say? Whatever promises I make, if things get bad enough they won’t mean a thing.

Trust

This post, from Off Our Pedestals, is amazing. There’s a lot about domestic violence that you don’t think about.