Challenging my first Negative Automatic Thought

I was reading something on the way to the tube this morning. It didn’t contain reference to anything particularly misogynistic, homophobic, racist, anything that took the piss out of disabled people, people who aren’t middle class (or whatever), people who may not be conventionally attractive…

It just reminded me how big the world is. How there’s so much to consider. And my heart sank. So my Negative Automatic Thought (NAT – something I have been told I should recognise in my CBT) was, “I can’t deal with all of this – there’s too much.”

I feel like to change the world (see previous post) I need to understand human nature perfectly. But how can I do that? I mentioned before that thinking about free will gives me a headache, and I avoid it as much as possible. The thing is, now I feel like I can’t continue to avoid it – I need to work it out.

Of course I don’t need to know everything. Things like free will, and everything else, aren’t known. In particular, still nobody knows, really, whether or not women are biologically different to men, or whether it is socially conditioned. Women still won the vote, we still have the legal right to the same pay for the same work.

CBT

Well, I had my second session on the CBT thing today. It was quite good, I think. There were goals to be set and such things.

One of the things that I sort of worked out is that I get low mood-y when I get pissed off about the state of the world. I do think there’s more to it than that, obviously. But I’m beginning to agree with what my mum said – maybe getting angry about the state of things is bad for me. I don’t think it necessarily is, though, but I think it’s related. What’s happening is that I am at a point where I’m feeling like there’s no hope. So then I get depressed.

I was pretty worried that the result of the CBT would be that I wouldn’t be allowed to campaign on things, wouldn’t be allowed to read the paper, wouldn’t be able to just be aware of everything that is going on. However, one of the goals I set is that four times out of five (I think – something like that) to talk to someone about/write about what in particular is upsetting me about it. I think it would be good if I was able to do this. The other day I was reading something or other about rape, and I was at work, and I was totally unable to do any work after that. I just sat at my desk in tears. Writing it down would hopefully help me to put it behind me, or, even better, work out something that can be done to improve it, write all that down, and then put it behind me.

Another thing I want to do, more generally, is read about people who have made a difference. I want to be one of them, one day. I couldn’t be if I was told not to campaign on things because it depresses me. So I really hope this works better.

Yesterday

Well, it was a bit weird. I typed that post, then of course forgot to publish it, which is why it didn’t come up till about midnight, or whenever. I would have posted something else, but as I was on the internet, I had one of the music channels on, and my dad came in. Then that song “I kissed a girl” came on. Luckily it is quite a while before the chorus starts so I managed to shut down what I was doing and go to bed! I couldn’t handle him thinking things. I imagine he must think that when I hear that song I feel the way they used to when they heard that song by Mary, Mary. Well, I would, except that the song is crap. It’s just so shit! It’s just about two women making out to appeal to their boyfriends! I would not have liked to explain that to him.

In other things, I started my CBT programme. I’m a bit nervous about it. I’ve been asked to monitor my problems, which of which I put down as, “Feeling completely hopeless. As in, nothing will work for me, or for anyone else ever.” I’m paranoid that the result will be I have to stop reading the paper, or thinking about anything that happens in the world ever! But I’ll see how it goes.

Also, my GP changed my medication, which is good. Basically, I went in and said, “I feel like I’m waiting to die. I’m not going to live into old age, so I just think that every moment I’m not planning on how to kill myself, is time wasted.” Hopefully things will look up.

Sam

Appointments

After work I’m going to my first appointment with the nurse, to begin an online cognitive behavioural therapy thing. I’m hoping this will help some, as I have been very down recently. Also, I have booked an appointment with a counsellor, but not for some time yet – so all my hope is going on this CBT thing.

Also, even though today is ok (I actually made it in to work yesterday and today!) I have to go into my GP appointment this afternoon and emphasise how bad I have felt recently. It kind of feels like I’ll be lying. But I read what I wrote down a few days ago, and I was saying to my friend that I feel like I’m waiting to die, which I guess is quite bad.

But I always do this – I remember the day after my first overdose, when the psychiatric nurse asked me how I was feeling, and I said, “Yeah, fine. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble any more – obviously I’ll have bad days, but all I need to do is remember that this time I felt fine the next day, so I won’t do anything stupid.” Of course, a month later, I was back.