My relationship with alcohol

It is nine and a half weeks since I have had any alcohol (with the exception of a taste of a friend’s cocktail the first week or so after I stopped drinking). I eventually made the decision to stop drinking after talking to some mental health professionals.

Alcohol has done some pretty strange things to me over the years. I imagine it’s pretty much common knowledge that alcohol is a depressant, and it has frequently had that effect on me. The last weekend in June, which was the last time I drank, I drank on the Friday evening and on the Saturday evening. On the Friday I had been out, got really really drunk (to the extent that I actually pissed myself when I got off the night bus!) and then after I got home I began my most recent suicide attempt*. Eventually, to be honest, I got bored and went to sleep. I had some more to drink on the Saturday evening, and it was at this point that I told my flatmate what I had done.

On another occasion, some time before that, I had had a really bad day and I got home and started drinking a lot. Later that evening I had a massive argument with my ex-girlfriend, and in the end I hit her. I don’t remember doing it, but it happened. As a feminist, I’m a bit nervous about admitting that, but it’s what happened – it’s something I did, and the only way I can take responsibility for what I did is by admitting to it. I did take responsibility for what I had done – I spoke to some people about the bad day I had had, and made sure I had some support in place in case of something happening again. Also, I cut back on my drinking for some time. I didn’t cut it out altogether, but for a while I made sure that I didn’t drink if I was feeling particularly bad, and that I didn’t ever drink heavily.

Of course, after a few months, the alcohol I was consuming began to increase, and once again, I wasn’t really in control of what I was drinking. This was actually part of the reason for my attempt: I figured if I was dead I couldn’t hurt anyone. As it is, since I’ve stopped drinking (and actually since that incident with my ex-girlfriend) I haven’t been violent towards anybody. Of course that’s not to say I’ve been totally blameless in every interaction I’ve had with another human being.

The thing that really concerns me, though, is that I kind of think drinking is really not something I can control, so ideally I should probably never drink again. I’m clearly not an alcoholic (I had a look at problem drinking on this site), but I would say I am (or was) a problem drinker. I really don’t think I could stop at 1. And that concerns me – a life without alcohol is not something I think I would enjoy.

*I say most recent suicide attempt not because I’m planning anything, but because, simply, there may be another one. Who can say? Whatever promises I make, if things get bad enough they won’t mean a thing.