Nowhere to go

A few times, since I was diagnosed with depression, I have made spur of the moment decisions, and I have always felt this would be the thing – I’d get better. Well, I’m not. Most recently, of course, was the decision to move back to my parents house – I don’t worry so much about money, and I can afford to go swimming, both of which have probably helped, but I don’t think I’m noticeably better.

Just over a year ago I had a plan. I had just graduated from uni and I was going to take little step back with my life, get myself a job that I would enjoy, but that wouldn’t be something that would overwhelm me, and wouldn’t be anything too stressful. And, in my plan, after about a year, maybe, I would be coping. I would be able to do all the normal things. Get up in the morning, get to work on time, do my job well, leave, go out in the evenings, or relax, or do some domestic things. And after about a year, I would go into a more challenging job, the beginning of my career.

It hasn’t worked. I haven’t actually been to work for a couple of weeks, and I have another GP appointment tomorrow to hopefully get another sick note for god knows how long. I’m just not sure what to do about this; I don’t know where to go next. I really really don’t think I can handle going back there for any significant length of time. I expect when I do go back to work, I’ll hand in my notice on my first day back, and then work out the month. That is sort of my vague plan, and I’m saying that because I feel guilty about just leaving them. Of course, I’m saying that I feel guilty – I don’t really, I just wish I did, I guess. I feel like I should.

But then what? See what the GP says tomorrow, I guess.