Looking up…

Well, after around 48 hours sitting in the same seat in the living room (with only the occasional short period of activity) I was beginning to think that I should hand in my notice at work, as I was clearly never going to be in a position to go back, suddenly things are looking up.

I started my swimming lessons this evening. I found it pretty difficult to get out, but I thought I only needed to be out of the house for a couple of hours, so it was no big. It was total hell on the bus going there – the general noise of people was not easy for me to deal with. But when I was actually in the lesson, things were a bit better. I’ve always found swimming kind of meditative (which is good, since when I actually try to meditate I get this horrible feeling like somebody has their hand around my throat and is choking me). So this wasn’t much of a surprise. But then I didn’t go back to feeling like shit when I got out. Suddenly, maybe, life will go on. I’m going to see about getting back to work when this sick note is over. And maybe try to use my time off to get on my feet, sort of.

I have a week and a half before I’m due back at work. So in that time, the big job I have is to tidy my room (you would not believe how messy it is – I have actually moved into the spare room because of how bad it is). So these are the things I’m going to do tomorrow:

• buy a notebook/exercise book so I can start keeping a journal (this is something my therapist wants me to do);
• laundry;
• phone the mobile people regarding changing my contract;
• look into getting a new bank account to aid my finances.

It seems like a lot, but I’ll skip a lot of the basic stuff like showering (I almost never have a proper wash except for when I’ve been swimming – disgusting, I know). Well, things are looking good.

My depression and my friends

As time goes on, I’m getting worse and worse. My problems with anxiety are increasing. I’d actually never really thought of myself as having problems with anxiety before, but now I definitely do. I’m struggling so hard with the basic stuff. Cooking isn’t something I’ve ever really done, but now it’s much worse. I’m waiting for my parents to put clothes pegs on my nose (they probably won’t actually, I have a shower every time I go swimming, which is at least once a week, so that’s good). But it is undoubtedly true to say that I am pretty disgusting.

I really really thought I’d be better by now. It’s over a year since I graduated, and I thought I was getting my life on track, but, in actual fact, I’m becoming a different person. The things I used to be passionate about – I wanted to change the world, even recently, but now, I don’t seem to be able to care sometimes. I never ever want to go back to work, not ever.

I spoke to one of my friends today, and she didn’t really understand why my doctor has accepted that I’m ill enough to be off work, but hasn’t looked into providing any more support. But to be honest I expect it’ll be a little while before anything like that is deemed necessary. I’ve found a good therapist, which is good. We’ve had two sessions so far, and they’ve been good.

I’ve been talking to an old friend and we had a falling out yesterday or the day before, I don’t remember. He doesn’t really understand depression, and he had a go at me and said I need to pull myself together, basically. Stupid wanker.
Bit random post, I know.

Nowhere to go

A few times, since I was diagnosed with depression, I have made spur of the moment decisions, and I have always felt this would be the thing – I’d get better. Well, I’m not. Most recently, of course, was the decision to move back to my parents house – I don’t worry so much about money, and I can afford to go swimming, both of which have probably helped, but I don’t think I’m noticeably better.

Just over a year ago I had a plan. I had just graduated from uni and I was going to take little step back with my life, get myself a job that I would enjoy, but that wouldn’t be something that would overwhelm me, and wouldn’t be anything too stressful. And, in my plan, after about a year, maybe, I would be coping. I would be able to do all the normal things. Get up in the morning, get to work on time, do my job well, leave, go out in the evenings, or relax, or do some domestic things. And after about a year, I would go into a more challenging job, the beginning of my career.

It hasn’t worked. I haven’t actually been to work for a couple of weeks, and I have another GP appointment tomorrow to hopefully get another sick note for god knows how long. I’m just not sure what to do about this; I don’t know where to go next. I really really don’t think I can handle going back there for any significant length of time. I expect when I do go back to work, I’ll hand in my notice on my first day back, and then work out the month. That is sort of my vague plan, and I’m saying that because I feel guilty about just leaving them. Of course, I’m saying that I feel guilty – I don’t really, I just wish I did, I guess. I feel like I should.

But then what? See what the GP says tomorrow, I guess.

Political Correctness and Identity Politics

I got dumped last night, through facebook. Harsh. Anyway, one of the reasons was that I didn’t want to see Tropic Thunder. Apparently the fact that I was willing to judge it before I’d seen it was not something she could understand.

She had mentioned us going to see Tropic Thunder, but also mentioned that it is pretty ‘un-pc’. On hearing this I had a quick look into the film, using, to start with, Wikipedia. I noticed there that a number of disability rights groups had criticised the film, saying it was offensive to people with learning difficulties. The premier had been picketed by groups including the Special Olympics and the American Association of People with Disabilities (see here). People have also not been asked to go and see the film. In fact, the organisation Special Olympics are running a campaign (at the moment the link to the campaign isn’t working, but this is a related link) surrounding the use of the word “retard.*” According the Wiki entry the makers of the film (and also the woman I was sort of dating) felt that it was clear they were actually taking the piss out of people who do make money from stuff like this, specifically referencing Forrest Gump. I did a quick bit of research, but could not actually find any similar protests surrounding the film Forrest Gump!

I am a person in a position of privilege in relation to the people this film takes the piss out of. As a result, I clearly can’t understand the way people who will be offended are affected. It’s not ‘political correctness gone mad’ that I respect their opinion and don’t go and see the film. It’s simply good manners! What’s more, I don’t care what the intentions were of the people who made the film, because they, also, are in a position of privilege, so can’t understand to the same extent how it makes people feel. I expect, to be honest, if you have learning difficulties, or are related to someone with learning difficulties, hearing the r-word jumps out at you, and makes you feel bad, in the same way I can’t help but notice when someone around me says, “that’s so gay!”

It actually kind of worries me that treating other people with respect is seen as something we should apologise for.

Note to UK readers: I don’t think the film has received as much bad press here, but even if it might not cause offence to people here, if you watch it you’re still funding the wankers who disregarded the feelings of those in the US who are, and have every right to be.

*The campaign refers to this word as the ‘r-word’. Obviously I don’t support the use of this word in general, but I don’t feel that my use in this context can be seen in the same way. I know this maybe doesn’t seem to fit with the rest of my post, but this is a judgement that I have made. I like to think of myself as open-minded so if this is something you have a problem with, I’m happy to be convinced.

Woman

I have been inspired by this post to have a think about what it means to be a woman, to various different people. A number of years ago my family was sitting down to dinner, and my brother and I were discussing the situation in Sweden, where either parent can take paid leave to look after their infant child(ren). On hearing this, my mum commented that she didn’t agree with this because, “Women were made to have babies.” Obviously my own view is pretty different. I believe gender is societally determined, and, as such, a women is, basically, anyone who has not been in a privileged position in society, because of their gender.

My research for this post isn’t going to be the most substantial thing ever – the first thing I’ve done, pretty much, is googled ‘Woman’. The first thing that came up was three image searches: the first of these was a photo of a woman wearing a sheer black shirt, a black thong and fishnet tights. When I clicked on the image I could see her nipples. The second image was the oil painting “The Pregnant Woman” by Alice Neel. Neel has apparently said of this, “I thought the whole picture of woman without pregnancy was . . . trivial. It’s treating woman as sex object. But you know, sex results in something.” The third was a slightly bizarre image. It was a Muslim woman in a headscarf, but at the same time sexual. When I clicked on the photo it said it came from this site (by the way – take a look, there’s some stuff there that I just don’t think we are aware of as much as we should be), but I couldn’t find the photo on that page.

The next item on my google search was the Wikipedia entry for woman. I know wiki has it’s flaws, but if you’re looking for a basic overview of public thought, there’s not much better. This defines woman as an ‘adult female human being’.

I am interested, and to be honest quite surprised, that the first thing that came up were images. Also, when I type in ‘man’ there are no image results that are shown at the beginning; in fact the first 4 entries weren’t even about man, the male adult human being. And what do the images mean about how women are viewed? The first two are simple: woman as sexual being/sex object (interestingly the image came from a site which just had loads of photos – as such I’m inclined to say sex object) and woman as mother. The comment made by Neel shows this as well. Sex does, sometimes, result in children – but that doesn’t only affect women, it makes men into fathers as well. The third image is obviously a lot more complex. Apart from anything, I couldn’t actually find the image directly, so it’s hard to comment without context specific to that. The one thing I will say is that, from conversations I have had with Muslim friends, in a similar way to the modesty that is required is Christianity, the headscarf is there because, basically, it is a woman’s responsibility not to, I guess, ‘tempt’ a man. I know this is a simplification. I know as a white woman I can’t really understand this and I don’t want to offend anyone with what I am going to say, but I am going to say it. From that, I think this is about sex too.

Onto the wiki entry. To a large extent, as you would expect from Wikipedia, it was reasonbly balanced. However they frequently made reference to womanhood as beginning when a girl starts her period. There were also references to a woman after her period has ended. To me, once again, this speaks of motherhood, or at least fertility, which is certainly linked.

I remember another conversation I had with a couple of male feminist friends a couple of years ago. We were talking about gender being fluid, and stuff like that. I, along with one of the men felt that, as feminists, we were aiming for a society where people weren’t defined by their bodies. The other person disagreed, saying that he thought there was something special about the ability to bear children. At the time, I disagreed, and as time goes on, the more I think about it, the more I disagree with this. Where would this leave post-menopausal women? Infertile women? Or even women who just don’t want children? To be honest, also, where does this leave men? As incomplete human beings? There are big problems with presuming anything about somebody on the basis of their body. Obviously, with womenhood being equivalent to motherhood, women are natural mothers, and men are just best leaving them to it!! Apart from the obvious issue that this leaves men with a perfect excuse about looking after their own children, I think it probably puts a lot of pressure on women to be perfect mothers, straight after an incredibly physically traumatic experience. That’s not so fair.

I’m going to quickly leave you with this, from the post that originally encouraged me to write this:

So alright, you need ovaries and a uterus and a vulva for having a baby. Breast-feeding is a pretty awesome thing to do. But anybody can change nappies. Or sing a baby to sleep. Or take a kid to school and to the piano courses. Genitals and chromosomes don’t have anything to do with making a kid feeling good and safe and loved and teaching it everything it needs to know.

NB. I know I haven’t really covered the sex-object part of ‘woman’. But I guess I blog about that a lot, and motherhood is something that is expected of most women, and also affects a lot of women.

Nice guys

I think a lot of feminists have a tendency to a double standard, or sorts. I do too, although this is something that I’ve tried hard not to do. A lot of the time we will refuse to blame women who are victims – which is absolutely the right thing to do. A lot of people, when a woman is in a violent relationship, for example, will question why she stayed there. That this is the first question we ask is indicative of some problem in society, and I wish I knew how to change that! On the other hand, a man that is being abusive is treated, among feminists, as having complete control over every decision he made, every one of his actions. Of course he shouldn’t be let off, but feminists, I think, need to work on ways to educate all men so they understand that women are people too.

The Perfect Vagina

I saw a little bit of the show that was on Channel 4, but not very much of it. This review, on the F Word, is really good. And this is the part that particularly rang true with me:

Those small pieces of pink, wrinkly skin lying on the operating table were probably two of the most sensitive areas in Rosie’s body, and she had just had them cut off because she thought they didn’t look nice.

This is key. Our bodies don’t exist for the viewing pleasure of men. This is true of our entire bodies. They are just the way they are: largely functional. This is the way the human body has evolved. But I can kind of understand the way women have been convinced that they need to look ‘good’, by dieting, wearing clothes to ‘flatter’, and so forth. I don’t support it, but I can vaguely understand it. I really don’t like the way it is now expected that women will shave their pubic hair. These are our bodies – what the hell is wrong with them? But, you know, pubic hair grows back. It’s not the end of the world.

But our genitals exist for out pleasure. And women are making permanent changes to parts of their bodies which solely exist for pleasure. How is it that we criticise the practise of female genital mutilation in other cultures, but we are doing exactly that? It is exactly the same – we are mutilating women’s genitals in order to please men, despite the fact that it’s reducing the pleasure that these women will experience – admittedly to a lesser degree.

We talk about how sexually liberated we are, and yet we still do this. Is this not an indication of how, actually, even in this sexually liberated society, sex is something women do for men? Women’s pleasure is secondary to men’s.

Rape

A number of years ago when I was debating the premise of feminism, I liked the concept of ’sex-positive’ feminism. I did quite a bit of research at that point, mainly using various feminist blogs, and they contributed a lot to the feminism I subscribe to now. I’m not sure if I am a radical feminist, but I’m certainly not ’sex-positive’ (NB. I’d also like to stress that I’m not ’sex-negative’). Anyway, one of the best blogs I read, was “Den of the Biting Beaver.” Sadly, the blog itself has either closed down, or been changed so that only her friends can read it. But there is an archive here. I’d like to post her rape checklist, directly, because it challenged things a lot for me. BB’s points are in bold, and I have made comments, where I’ve felt necessary.

A personal experience…

I’m going to mention here about and incident a few weeks ago. To be honest it seems like it isn’t part of my life, but it did happen. I’m quite nervous about posting this.

Anyhow, maybe I should actually just tell it, hopefully all will become clear!

First date

I have a date coming up. I am really excited about this. I met her online, so I don’t exactly know her, but from her pictures, I think she is beautiful. She also seems awesome.

However the thought of beginning a relationship kind of scares me. I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to handle a relationship. More to the point, I’m not certain how well anyone would deal with being in a relationship with me! I think when I’m well, when I’m me, I’m probably quite low maintenance – I have always been independent. At the moment, however, I am certainly not low-maintenance. But we’ll see, I guess. There are lots of problems with me saying all this now; I’m not sure how well I can separate the person that I am, in myself, from the person who is fairly ill.

I should not talk like this! Not only is this my first date with this woman, but this feels like my first real date in my life. I have had two relationships, and within those relationships we went on dates, but it’s not the same. In addition to these, I have had a few one night stands, and I have been on a couple of dates with blokes. I only went on these dates, though, in order to shut my friends up: they kept saying that I should give these guys that I was meeting a chance (it was my first year of uni – I met a few). So for my date, I get to be excited about it, panic about what to wear, at the moment I’m trying to work out how much make up to wear (I often don’t wear any, but I do like to sometimes). Ooh, and someone even asked me what I’m going to do with my hair – if I can get away with it I tend to not even brush it.